No angel....

Sometimes in life, all you wanna be is positive... thats all i ever wanted and always tried to be. My ideal world would be that everyone got along with each other regardless of history, character, religion, race or what have you. I knoe its a crappy stupid naive thing to say, but that is what i always wanted.... But hey, life is unfair, you dun get wad u want very often.

Sometimes in life, all I wanna do is just run.. run from all the arguements, disagreements and unpleasant things. Sometimes i really wish that i can run as far as i can, dosen matter where my legs take me, just go in any given direction and dun turn back.

I dunno how some people can go on wif their lives knowing that the people they care the most arent happy wif them, living a lie. I cant do that, I'm not like that. I would never succum to that. I refuse.

I am no angel, I know. I crush people's lives and destroy them with my insensitivity. I know I am doomed for hell, but hell is after death, why does it already feel like i am already living in hell. I always thought i was never the crying type, i guess i was wrong. People can take things as a joke and juz casually say things that might be 'funny', but it cuts like a knife. Retribution? Maybe, I derserve it, well i guess definitely. But how long can this keep up. Am i doomed to hear and see all these for my entire life?

Is this My punishment?...

Friends have always been important to me. No matter who. Anyone who knoes me well enough knoes that for a fact. I've got friends. U can say i am lucky. But i need one now. Here. Sitting beside me telling me everything will be okay. And that all this will just pass.

It hurts too bad... far far bad. Its not the kind of hurt when someone leaves you or when a close someone passes... its a different kinda hurt... but it all hurts in the same place. I thought i deserved to be hurt, yes, but for how long. How long will dis crushing pain be there? It never seem to go away. It has found a new home - in my heart, mind and soul.

I am no angel......